You paid $50 for what?!

By: Dr. Richelene Cesar, Psy.D.

Imagine you’ve just finished some light grocery shopping at, oh, I don’t know, Trader Joe’s. You’re moseying on to the register, daydreaming about getting home to light the grapefruit scented candle you just picked up, and relaxing with your dog. You’re not even sure what grapefruit actually smells like, but it doesn’t stop you from dreaming about it. You know what does stop you, though? The person who just cut in front of you in line.

It's not like you weren’t…

ALREADY PLACING YOUR THINGS ON THE CONVEYER BELT OR ANYTHING!

It’s okay. It’s okay. You decide to brush it off. Maybe they didn’t see you. Maybe they’ve had a long day. Maybe they bought a grapefruit scented candle, too. So, you wait “your turn”—a little miffed, nonetheless. While you wait, you eavesdrop a bit on the conversation the “cutter” is having with the chipper cashier. They seem to be cackling about something they saw on SNL. You almost forgot it was Sunday, but you definitely remember how hard it was to get out of bed this morning because you happened to tune into the Lizzo episode of SNL last night, too.

Good stuff.

You smirk along to the conversation you’re not really a part of, and the cashier glances your way. It’s quick. Maybe even cordial. At this point, however, they’re chatting a bit too long. Like longtime friends, even though you can tell they truly just met. Still miffed? Yeah, I think so.

Anyway, the time has FINALLY come for you to ring out your stuff. You are THISCLOSE to candle, couch, and doggie heaven. Maybe the cashier will guffaw with you, too. They definitely noticed you laughing at the familiar references when they were chatting it up with the “cutter.” However, as you approach, the cashier seems…

Different.

Umm. Okay, then. What happened to the bright demeanor? The personality? The cackling? Instead of getting the lighthearted comedian, you get different.

This version of them is stoic, detached, removed, boring.

D  i  s  t  a  n  t.

Do you stink? Is there something in your teeth? It’s gotta be a booger…right? Whatever the reason, this version avoids your deep brown eyes. This version doesn’t utter a syllable in your direction. No cackling over this way. When it’s time to pay the $46.79 owed, this version simply points to the credit card terminal, throws your receipt sloppily into your bag, and hands it to you with their head already facing the person behind you, as they beckon, “Next!” Meanwhile, all you can think is Maaaaaaaaaan, these people are lucky I’m scared to go to prison. As you walk away, the chipper cashier is chatting away with the person who was standing behind you. Miffed, is not even the word, anymore.

Okay, story time’s over—but what if it wasn’t just a story?

Or a work of fiction?

Or a fabrication of the mind?

It’s truly something else to navigate white spaces as a person of color. You can’t change what you look like—well I suppose you could try, but a society that thrives on the tenets of white supremacy seems to have a way of deciding who you are and treating you “accordingly.” Whether you try to blend in or stick out, somehow, some way…this version of society always gets to decide: to see, or not to see?

You see, just as there is a difference between being noticed and being acknowledged, there lies a difference between someone looking at you and someone truly seeing you.

Yeah. Feeling seen is a different experience entirely.

But what exactly is that feeling when someone simultaneously sees you and doesn’t see you? Like the cashier who clearly noticed you in the fine work of non-fiction above, but somehow didn’t register (hehe see what I did there?) your presence even when you’re standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.

How does one make sense of the ever-present implications of hypervisibility and invisibility?

The thing is…you don’t.

You would think, as a person of color, by simply existing, you have “the right” to be seen. But, unfortunately, that’s just not how privilege, or a lack thereof, works. In order to uphold power and privilege, society decides when it is appropriate to see you, and when it’s appropriate for you to not exist meaningfully at all. We exist when we can be tokenized. We exist when we are exceptional. We exist when we are causing a scene and acting in line with the ridiculous, hurtful, and inaccurate stereotypes we were wed to against our will 400 years ago.

And we don’t exist when it is a threat to the status quo.

A threat to white supremacy.

The thing is, despite white supremacy, you do exist. Brown, black or in between—you exist, and you matter. So, you decide. Decide to be proud in Trader Joes. Decide to be loud with your tribe. Decide to be wowed by how liberating it feels to be unapologetically you.

And when they ask themselves: “to see, or not to see?” Feel free to ask yourself…

“To be, or not to be?”

I invite you to be a threat. No—be a promise.

About:
Dr. Richelene Cesar, Psy.D. (she/her) is a psychotherapist at And Still We Rise, LLC and a provisionally licensed Clinical Psychologist. Learn more about Dr. Cesar here.